Keys to Living an Aligned Life: Values (blog series)
Do you ever feel like you're navigating a life that isn't fully yours? You may find yourself caught up in the daily whirlwind of obligations, feeling disconnected from what truly brings you a sense of meaning. If this resonates with you, know that you're far from alone. Countless people grapple with creating a life that truly reflects their deepest values.
Welcome to the second installment of my blog series, where we delve into the key components of living an aligned life. Identifying our deeply held values is a vital step towards fostering this alignment. But first, what exactly do we mean by an "aligned life"?
An "aligned life" is when your thoughts, feelings, and actions are in harmony. This balance brings feelings of contentment, satisfaction, and joy because your life reflects and honors your true self. You might find yourself asking: What's really important? What makes life beautiful? When you live an aligned life, you're in tune with yourself. Therefore your choices carry purpose, you're resistant to unhelpful influences, and you can weather life's ups and downs more skillfully.
Nowadays, it might seem easier to live an aligned life than in the past. But while this might be partly true, it's not always straightforward to put into practice. This is where the "keys" come in. These are ideas and habits I introduce and work on with my clients to help them understand themselves better, clear out old patterns of thinking, and make small but significant changes in their lives.
What are values?
Values are qualities of being that you cherish, and those which you can enact consistently. They're the attributes you want to embody in your actions, both physical and mental. Consider them your personal compass; they guide you on your life journey, indicating the direction you wish to take. When we talk about values, we're referring to your deepest desires for how you want to act towards yourself, others, and the world around you.
Let's break it down into three parts:
Consistent Action: Values aren't a one-off. They're how you aspire to act consistently. If you say you want to be "loving and caring" in your relationships, these qualities are your values and are not something you plan to cease anytime soon.
Broad Qualities: Values relate to the kind of action, not the action itself (that's where goals come in). When identifying values, we're looking for qualities that can apply to a variety of actions.
Desired: Values are all about what you want, not what you should or must do. They're not about conforming to "rules" or societal norms. To truly help you live a life aligned with your true self, your values should resonate from within, not from guilt or societal pressure.
So Why Values?
Working on defining your values is a key to an aligned life because they will assist you with your discernment and decision making. Any given action could be aligned with your values, or it might not. Knowing your values enables you to ask yourself, “will doing this action lead me towards the type of life I want for myself, or reflect the person I want to be?” We will never be able to perfectly act in accordance to our values, and that is totally okay. Often, we may have to prioritize one value over another. What we are aiming for is small steps that matter. They build up over time and will lead you to a more satisfying experience of life overall.
Values vs. Goals
Goals are specific things you hope to achieve in the future. Values, on the other hand, are about how you wish to behave right now and throughout your life's journey, whether you achieve your goals or not. The great thing about relying on values over goals is that values are always available to us. You might have a goal to get married, but that's not guaranteed. What you can control, however, is being loving and caring in your relationships right now. By living out your values, you increase your chances of achieving your goals while also leading a life that's true to who you are.
How do you clarify values in therapy?
As we move to clarify values in therapy, it's important to acknowledge that you may already have a sense of what you value, or maybe you feel a bit lost. We often grow up without critically examining what we value. We may have been taught what to value, and we certainly picked up on certain values through the behavior of those around us. Sometimes these values align with how we truly feel, but just as often, there is a mismatch or misalignment of values we think we have or ought to have compared to what truly matters most.
When I’m in a session with a client, my go-to therapeutic tool for values clarification is what one of my favorite teachers of self-compassion, Chris Germer, advised. He said, “listen for the pings”. “Pings,” as he termed them, are moments of emotional resonance. By listening to your story and asking how you feel while sharing, we can uncover what truly matters to you. For example, we may hear a ping when discussing how sad you are that your closest friend moved away, and another one when you excitedly share how grateful you were for their phone call. Both of these moments point towards a value of connection. This way, whether you are currently living your values or not, we can identify values by recognizing what's lacking and what's nourishing. Your feelings serve as a guide towards what matters most.
At-Home Exercises for Values Clarification
While above is my go-to strategy, there are also many other tools in my toolbox for clarifying values, and some you can undertake independently. Here are 2 handy exercises borrowed from ACT Made Simple by Russ Harris which you can try:
"Ten Years from Now, Looking Back"
Imagine that you're in the future, ten years from now, and you're looking back on your life as it is today. Complete these three sentences:
I spent too much time worrying about…
I did not spend enough time doing things such as…
If I could go back in time, what I’d do differently is…
"One Year from Now"
Imagine that one year from now, you're looking back at the difficulty you're facing today. Assume that you've dealt with it in the best possible way, behaving like the person you truly wish to be deep in your heart. From that perspective, answer these questions:
What qualities or strengths (courage, kindness, compassion, persistence, honesty, caring, supportiveness, honesty, integrity, love, commitment, etc.) did you live by or act upon in the face of this?
How did you treat yourself as you dealt with this?
How did you treat others that you care about?
I’d be so glad to hear how these exercises went, and your thoughts about using values as a tool for living a well-lived life. You may like to check out the list of values linked below to get inspired. This work is some my favorite to do with clients. If this post resonates, please do reach out. Wishing you well!
