Keys to Living an Aligned Life: Willingness (blog series)

This is the third  installment of my blog series on keys to living an aligned life. The “key” I’m going to be talking about is willingness. But first, please allow me a somewhat tangential reflection on my definition of an aligned life. 

As I sat down to write this blog, I reread my prior blogs and noticed a BIG oversight  in my prior definitions. We all make mistakes, and I’m willing to share this mistake with you. 

In my last blog I wrote: 

An "aligned life" is when your thoughts, feelings, and actions are in harmony. This balance brings feelings of contentment, satisfaction, and joy because your life reflects and honors your true self. When you live an aligned life, you're in tune with yourself. Therefore your choices carry purpose, you're resistant to unhelpful influences, and you can weather life's ups and downs more skillfully.

I still like that definition, it’s positive and true in one sense, but I do think it paints a rather rosy picture. Don’t get me wrong, I see my good intentions. At the time I wanted to promote what I know is possible, and I do still think it is achievable to live a life that overall brings feelings of contentment, fulfillment and joy. However, I found myself unsatisfied with this definition because it makes it seem as though living more aligned insulates you from all difficulties. I believe that living more aligned can help us tolerate difficult situations, but no matter how tuned in we are, we cannot avoid suffering.

Take this example: A person caring for a sick loved one would likely be living an aligned life, and simultaneously they might experience pain, boredom, anxiety and fear as a result of taking action to support their family. The truth is, acting on what deeply matters can be downright terrifying! And this is where willingness - willingness to experience difficulty - comes into play. If you are seeking greater contentment and meaning in life, you must cultivate willingness to experience thoughts, emotions and sensations you don’t necessarily want to experience in the service of greater goals or values.

At one point I may have thought that an aligned life is a blissed out state of perfection that can be achieved through mindfulness and diligent attention to our values. And sometimes I still catch myself wishing that were true (I mean it sounds great, no?!). That if only I could personally achieve or help my clients hit an extraordinary level of self-awareness and self-optimization then we could be free from our collective problems. While that part of me is smaller than it used to be, it’s still there. More often these days I’m thinking about alignment as willingness to engage with life fully, no matter what that looks like. 

Sitting with what’s inescapably hard. 

Accepting difficulties in life. 

Being present.

Doing what matters.

So I’m expanding my definition, and thinking about alignment as being with what’s happening, no matter what, in a kind and helpful way. And ask me next week, and I may be focused on a different aspect! The point is to not expect that living an aligned life is a ticket out of pain or difficulty. It can surely help, but having realistic expectations is important. 

So, willingness, what’s it all about?

Engaging fully with life is not easy. Throughout the journey towards greater alignment, people will confront all kinds of discomfort. The pain of grieving and letting go of people, beliefs, stories that aren’t helping any more can be gut-wrenching. And yet most people who undertake this kind of task will find it enriching and meaningful beyond their expectations. The resource to draw on in these circumstances is willingness.

Willingness is mostly about being willing to face challenges. You can be willing in other situations that aren't challenging, but that comes quite easily and isn’t something that most people need to actively cultivate. When obstacles to what you value show up, you can either say yes or no. If you say no to working through the obstacle (unwillingness), your life gets smaller and less aligned. If you say yes, (I’m willing to do the hard thing!) your life grows. Every time you make that choice to pursue your values and experience discomfort, you grow as a person. 

Willing to experience what exactly?

Discomfort, pain, sadness, embarrassment, or any other emotion that you would rather not experience. Practicing willingness means you’ll allow for the unwanted emotion, make room for it, or let it be in order to do something that you value. We make room for negative side effects in order to create a meaningful life. 

Actively embracing our experience even if we don’t like it is willingness, and it doesn't mean merely tolerating or sucking it up.

You already practice willingness in small ways every day. Let’s say you need a new shirt. You are willing to pay for your new shirt because you value what the shirt will add to your wardrobe. You don’t love parting with your money, and if someone offered you the shirt for free you would be thrilled, however you consent to the transaction in the interest of owning the shirt. 

To turn back or to keep going? 

When things get hard, we might ask ourselves this question. But to this question I would ask you another question. Will taking action bring you closer to your values, or the life you want for yourself? If the answer is no, then by all means turn back. Willingness isn’t about doing something for the sake of the challenge. If the answer is yes, then being willing to endure discomfort not because you want it or enjoy it, but because it’s part of getting you where you want to go will often steer you well. We so often put off doing things we otherwise want because it can be downright painful to get there. Holding the complexity through willingness - yes this is hard AND it matters to me - is willingness.

How to Practice Willingness 

Try asking yourself these questions to get you started:

• What’s my goal?

• What are the values underlying my goal?

• What thoughts, feelings, sensation and urges am I willing to have in order to complete this goal?

*We will need to ask ourselves this last questions repeatedly when facing life’s challenges!

Tips to Promote Willingness

Here are some tried and true questions I use with my clients to summon up some willingness when the willing isn’t willing.

• How can I break this goal down into smaller steps?

• What’s the smallest easiest step I can begin with?

• When will I take that first step?

• What sensations are here?

• Am I willing to have this sensation to pursue my goal?

In sum, willingness to do what you value brings feelings of contentment, satisfaction, and joy, a sense of meaning because your actions match up with what you really care about. The way personal alignment differs from, say, a car’s alignment is that you can’t look in a manual to find a prescription or step by step plan to regain or create alignment. An aligned life as I see it can only be achieved by knowing yourself deeply. You must look inside and determine where the pain points are, where the band-aid fixes and survival strategies linger, and find out through the process what your deeply held values are and what makes life worth living. 

Wishing you well!

Those interested in therapy can reach out to me here.