Why am I so Anxious in Relationships?
Chances are if you are a living, breathing human you will be gripped by relationship anxiety at one time or another. The good news is that understanding and managing relationship anxiety is possible for just about everyone.
Are these questions you’ve asked yourself?
What are they thinking about me?
Why haven’t they texted?
What if they realized I’m flawed?
Do they really still love me?
If these questions are relatable, you’re far from alone. Saying that people struggle with anxiety in their relationships is like saying that the sun rises each morning. It has always been a part of our collective experience. These anxious thoughts are bound to pop up, as we live in a world that hasn’t modeled safe and secure relationships to us. These kinds of worries often accompany a sinking, pit-in-the-stomach sensation. And those sensations make the worries feel very real.
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is that nagging feeling of worry or fear about one or multiple of your relationships. It's like a cloud that hovers over you, making it hard to enjoy the good moments. You may doubt that the other person truly cares about you, or you may worry that they are not the right person for you. The root of relationship anxiety is that people are not to be trusted. The root can also be mistrust within ourselves, shame and a sense of unworthiness.
Either through traumatic experiences or micro-moments of rejection, most people will receive some form of the message, “you shouldn’t trust others and you’re not good enough” by the time they reach adolescence. These sometimes seemingly harmless experiences will imprint themselves onto our template of relationships. Experiences of being shunned will influence self-esteem, and how we view ourselves and our sense of worthiness.
Does relationship anxiety mean my partner is wrong for me?
Not necessarily. Relationship anxiety shows up in healthy relationships, and it doesn’t mean you are necessarily with the wrong person. Sometimes, being with a loving, present partner can activate anxiety because they are confronting to the old stories deep down that say we are not worthy of care or love. Anxiety can also surface during life cycle transitions, such as moving in together or getting married. These pivotal moments cause us to consider our choices, grieve the loss of old ways of being, and wrangle with the existential reality that we can only live the life we’re in. Often instead of processing and dealing with root causes, anxiety manifests as being focused on what is “wrong” about our partner, or “wrong” about us. Anxiety is very good at convincing us that worries are literal, when they may really be messengers pointing us towards our own inner work.
This is not to say that relationship anxiety cannot be caused by things our partner is doing. Of course it can! Partners who are struggling themselves, withdraw and avoid problems or intimacy can spike anxiety in the other partner. Any form of abuse will create anxiety, and in these instances it is important to listen to the helpful worries that cause you to consider if this is a healthy relationship for you. This post is primarily about relationship anxiety in the context of otherwise loving and safe relationships. If you are concerned about abuse, please find a safe way to reach out for support or call the domestic abuse hotline at 800-799-7233.
So what causes relationship anxiety?
New Relationships: Before trust is established, it is quite normal to have doubts and worries about your relationship.
Past Heartbreaks: The experience of heartbreak is gut-wrenching. Fear can arise in current relationships because anxiety has a hard time differentiating between then and now. It is human to want to protect yourself and “see things coming” out of the unconscious belief that if we see it coming, it will hurt less.
Other Relational Hurts: The families we grew up in and our early childhood experiences shape how we view relationships and ourselves. If you grew up not being able to trust your caregivers, you are likely to struggle with relationship anxiety.
Low Self-Worth, Low Self-Esteem or Harsh Self-Criticism: How we view ourselves directly influences the assumptions we make about how others are viewing us. It may be related to bullying, past heartbreak, trauma or “failures” that lead you to not trust others' kind or loving gestures.
Generalized Anxiety: Because anxiety attaches itself to the things we care most about, someone struggling with anxiety in general is likely to experience relationship anxiety.
Signs Your in the Clutches of Relationship Anxiety:
Overthinking.
Needing constant reassurance.
Fearing abandonment.
Body symptoms.
Fear of vulnerability.
Thinking of ending the relationship as it gets more serious.
Withholding how you truly feel.
Fearing commitment.
Questioning your partner’s motives.
Doubting compatibility.
Reading negative meaning into your partner’s actions or words.
The Ripple Effect on Your Relationship
In otherwise loving relationships, relationship anxiety can make it difficult to meaningfully connect and enjoy one another. It may be difficult or confusing for one partner to understand where the anxiety is coming from. Relationship anxiety can contribute to relationship burnout when not fully understood. However, with the right support. relationship anxiety can be an invitation to more deeply know your partner(s) and to heal from past hurts and unhelpful stories we tend to carry.
In a relationship that lacks thoughtfulness, love or respect, relationship anxiety may contribute to pointing fingers, defensiveness, blaming, arguments and bruised egos. If these types of things are happening, you need not give up hope right away. Hurtful and unhelpful relationship patterns can and do heal if both partners are willing to work on things and get support.
What can I do to improve relationship anxiety?
Relationship fears can be challenging to work with, because they strike a chord with essential questions of acceptance, love and support that we need to live well. Without knowledge and skills to manage, when a fear strikes us to the core, we are more likely to respond in an unhelpful way. In those moments, you may have yourself convinced that you are worthless or that your partner is wrong for you.
In my work as a therapist, I see these stories play out often. I am privileged to witness others identify these struggles and work to change their relationship with worry and themselves. Time and time again I have marveled at the transformative power of connecting with a wise self, or a kind inner parent, who speaks up in hard moments. This inner resource is something we all have, it may just need some strengthening.
The truth is, relationships are typically the scariest and most anxiety producing areas of our lives. We need others, and the fear of losing the ones we love can be overwhelming. In short, it makes sense why relationships bring up anxiety.
Now you may be thinking, okay it makes sense, but how does that help me improve?
It helps because knowledge is powerful!
Read these next few lines slowly and take a moment to notice how you feel:
Relationship anxiety is something most people face.
Humans are evolutionarily wired to need others.
Uncertainty is difficult for the anxious mind.
We can’t control others, therefore relationships are inherently uncertain.
The people we love the most have the greatest potential to hurt us.
It’s okay if vulnerability is scary right now.
How we view ourselves is often how we assume others view us.
Each person has inherent worthiness and goodness.
You did not deserve to be treated that way in the past.
Maybe you feel reassured that you aren’t alone. Maybe you feel a deep knowing “yes” to one or more of these points. Or maybe you feel resistance that says, “well that may be true for others, but that isn’t true for me”.
No matter your reaction, you can begin to embody a wise self (or kind inner parent, they are the same thing) who gently encourages you with helpful wisdom when you are feeling relationship anxiety.
Other Tips for Navigating Relationship Anxiety
Prioritize open communication with your partner.
Address concerns in the moment instead of holding back.
Become aware of your emotional and relational needs.
Start setting boundaries that increase a sense of trust and safety.
Practice self-care and compassionate affirmations.
Attend couples therapy sessions.
Commit to your own individual therapy and develop an awareness of your relationship template.
When to Seek Professional Help
There is no severity threshold you need to hit before considering therapy. Addressing concerns early will always be my recommendation. Therapy is a commitment of time, energy and resources that is ultimately a gift to yourself and ALL of your relationships. There are also great books out there to jump start the work as well, or to address more minor concerns. I recommend “I Want This to Work” by Elizabeth Earnshaw LMFT as a starting point.
Wishing you comfort and growth as you navigate relationship anxiety. If you are seeking a therapist who truly gets relationship anxiety, please reach out to me here.
Warmly,
Julia
