Going Beyond Goals and New Year’s Resolutions

I took a walk in the woods with a friend the other day. The cold air put color in our cheeks as we meandered under the canopy of bare trees. Nature has always had a certain knack for facilitating meaningful conversations. We took turns naming our intentions for the new year. Surrender, embracing enoughness, and working with resistance were themes that arose between the two of us. This got me thinking about where I’ve tended to go wrong with goal setting and New Year’s resolutions. 

Are we doing this again? Thoughts on New Year’s Resolutions

So often at this time of year, I’ve felt pressure to set firm resolutions. My friend let me know how much New Year’s resolutions had been fuel for their perfectionism, and a door for shame to creep in when they inevitably slipped up. I could relate to that so deeply, as I’ve often found the thrill of setting a resolution so hopeful and fun, only to feel the wind knocked from my sails.  (Over what in retrospect were completely understandable obstacles and challenges, go figure.) It’s always easier to dream up a plan for my ideal life than it is to put in the work to move me in that direction!

A couple of years ago I set a goal to complete a consecutive 30-day yoga challenge. I was excited to get started, even though I knew that this was the kind of goal I rarely, if ever, actually achieve. After a short streak, I ended up falling and getting injured during the second week of January. I felt so defeated that I wouldn’t be able to meet my goal. Even though I was injured, I still felt like a failure. 

Other times I achieved large goals, like finishing graduate school or starting my practice. These felt exciting in the moment but did not fundamentally change how I felt about myself. My friend and I realized as we talked, that although very convincing and alluring, achieving goals or getting the “thing” we always wanted never guaranteed the desired change in how we felt about ourselves. 

Lately, I’ve been looking at whether hoping that “once I achieve X then I will feel Y '' was truly working for me. I felt so sad when I started to realize the cost of this approach. I ended up realizing how much I had delayed my sense of happiness or fulfillment by buying into the lie that I would feel how I wanted to feel AFTER I achieved a goal or hit a milestone. I have paid dearly for this, and I find it such a shame that it is so common in our goal-oriented culture. I spent years dissatisfied with certain aspects of my life, which was only made palatable by the hope that I would almost magically feel differently at the next juncture. Achievement was like a dangling carrot keeping me going only to be yanked away once I “made it” to the next phase.

These lessons are ones I am continually learning. As if in a spiral, themes around this topic come up for me ever so often. I might think I have learned it for good this time, only to be humbled the next time it comes around. It’s so human to attach meaning to events, and it’s so much easier to think that what’s external will inform what’s internal. There’s a certain logic to it, even though it’s deeply flawed. 

I wanted to complete the yoga challenge, to feel disciplined and healthy. 

Perhaps you:

Want to finish your book? To feel proud and accomplished?

Want to earn 100K? To feel secure, powerful, and free?

Want to find a partner? To feel loved and cared for?

The reason anyone wants anything is because of what they imagine they will feel or who they’ll become once they have that thing. 

These goals are fine in and of themselves, however, it’s important to realize that you could achieve all these things, and still not feel the desired emotion or way about yourself. My point is that chasing goals without addressing how we view ourselves is a bit of a fool's errand. And what is the point of achieving goals if you are miserable in the process? 

I’m reminded of my favorite quote by Carl Rogers who said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change”. Whenever I read that quote, I can feel my shoulders drop and a sigh of relief come over me. A question filters up: what would it be like to act from a place of enoughness and acceptance of who I am today, instead of from a place of lack?

You can make progress towards feeling more at peace with yourself, without having to achieve a grand goal or obtain anything new. The truth is life will continually dish out opportunities to grow and develop, no matter what. 

When I focus on my values of enoughness and self-compassion, I can see myself as someone who is trying their best. I care about myself and want myself to be well. I feel a greater sense of motivation coming out of a desire to be my own loving inner parent. Depending on the day, this intention could lead me to the yoga mat, or it could lead me to rest. There is nothing to fail at. Because I am enough as I am, I try to move through old stories of shame and judgment that arise as skillfully as I can. I may say to myself, “Stretch for one minute and that is enough”. And once I break through the wall of resistance, I often end up doing more than one minute. 

Resistance is natural!

While reading this, you are likely to feel strong resistance to the idea that accepting yourself for who you are today may be a better route to go. There is a voice inside most of us that says, “If you accept yourself, you’ll slide into mediocrity or worse.” So you must remind your resistance, or ego, the part of you that hates change, that a  loving inner parent isn’t a permissive parent. This is the part of you that is wise, kind, and loving. Just as a good-enough parent of a small child, the inner parent will push you to do what is in your best interest, sometimes and maybe often when resistance whispers things like, “I don’t feel like it,” “I don’t have the time,” or “I’m afraid of who I’ll become if I commit to showing up for myself”. 

I have found that taking advice from my inner loving parent, who may suggest to me things like eating my vegetables, going for a walk, or taking the time to write out my latest frustration, has led me to embody more of the life I want for myself. No harsh goals are required. This wise inner part has a pretty good sense of what deeply matters to me, and it nudges me where I need to go. Developing the skill to listen out for this part is the biggest thing I work towards myself and with my therapy clients. If you resonate with this post, I’d love to help you heal your relationship with yourself and take steps toward a life that feels kind and aligned with what deeply matters to you. 

You can reach me here.