Relationship Anxiety? 7 Questions to Ask Yourself
Relationships of all types bring up all of our old, entrenched, fear-based “stuff”. Especially romantic, intimate ones. If you’re feeling alone while struggling with relationship anxiety, please know that it’s incredibly common and ultimately, a useful feeling to have. After all, there is nothing in life that creates more risk of emotional suffering than relationships.
In my sessions, I like to quote one of my favorite teachers- the founder of compassion focused therapy, Paul Gilbert when he says, “an alone monkey is a dead monkey”! It’s not just a silly quote. Humans and our monkey cousins have evolved throughout the millennia to depend on relationships for safety and survival. It’s no wonder that we can feel intense anxiety in our relationships.
Questions like: Do I love my partner enough or at all? Is this worth working on? Am I in this for the right reasons? might swirl in our heads. We obsess over fading feelings, changing feelings and feel overwhelmed by doubt. Pushing away or running from relationship anxiety may work temporarily, but will eventually bubble up if not addressed in some way. When someone starts therapy with me and wants to work on relationship stressors, there are several roads to walk down to get to the bottom of what’s causing the anxiety. While there are many more, I will cover 7 in this post. If you are looking for a compassion focused therapist to work on relationship anxiety, I’m your gal. I bring my expertise as an anxiety specialist and my training as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) together for working on relationship anxiety. Scroll to the top of this page to get connected.
Disclaimer: These questions are a starting point and may well bring up more questions than they answer. I am writing in generalities and no blog article can compare to human-to-human therapy and having support is recommended in instances of severe relationship anxiety.
So how do we bring compassionate curiosity into our lives when faced with relationship anxiety? Start by exploring these questions:
How long have I felt this way?
First take time to consider how long you have been in the relationship. Has it been under a year, long distance or have other circumstances involved that leave you feeling like the relationship is still “new”? If this is the case, some relationship anxiety is to be expected even in relationships that will blossom into healthy, secure relationships. Building trust takes time, so consider this when you are assessing your own worries and doubts.
If you have been feeling intense feelings of anxiety that extend past the “new feeling” phase, some follow up questions are warranted. If you have been working on enhancing connection and communication, giving it your best and are still feeling significant anxiety, it would be worth it to explore whether this relationship is working for you. Is the person able to meet your needs and what is motivating you to stay?
2. What is my relationship history (starting with family)?
The unresolved hurt parts of ourselves often try to protect ourselves in the present for fear of the same old hurts happening again. Does anything about this relationship remind you of your relationship to your mom, dad or other significant person? Have your past romantic relationships left you feeling heartbroken or afraid? The hurt part we all have might try to convince us to leave because the emotional risk of staying the course may feel too painful to bear. Or it may suggest to us that we can’t trust, don’t deserve, or otherwise can’t be our true selves. For understandable reasons outside of our control, we wind up feeling unsafe and uncomfortable even in some instances when our partner is treating us well.
3. What is my attachment style? *only if this feels helpful!*
Attachment style has been all the rage in the mental health space lately. I find it very useful as a way to bring understanding to how our past informs our present. However, I can also feel weary of labels and “diagnosing” an attachment style like it is something static that can’t be changed. If we have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it may help to bring insight into why we act and feel the way we do when others get close. Attachment styles can and do change, and for many many people reading books like “Attached” by Levine and Heller have been life changing. I can’t cover each attachment style here, but I encourage looking it up and taking the quiz if you are interested.
4. Do the facts fit the feelings?
Also known as: “Doubt doesn’t always mean don’t.” Don’t skip ahead to this one before going through 1-3 on this list. This question is your reality check. Remember the purpose of anxiety: to keep you safe. Ask yourself if there are things happening in the relationship that are not okay. Things like shaming, blaming, contempt, domestic violence (emotional or physical) should not be tolerated in intimate relationships. If anxiety is sending you an alarm signal to get out, don’t ignore it.
5. What cultural expectations and norms are showing up?
Sometimes relationship anxiety has nothing to do with our partner. Cultural expectations, for example, how long should dating last before marriage, can cause enormous amounts of stress for couples that might fall outside of socially accepted norms. Depending on our social location (race, gender identity, sexuality, nationality, geography, financial situation, age, ability etc.) we may have to contend with more or less anxiety provoking obstacles to following our own bliss. I’m an advocate for calling BS on any made up norm that makes you feel less than where otherwise you would be perfectly content. Sorting through cultural factors and finding what feels right to you can relieve this type of anxiety.
6. Are our values compatible?
Another source of relationship anxiety can be values conflicts. Your partner may be wonderful, kind and attractive, and anxiety still shows up when we think to ourselves, “why can’t I be happy when they are so great?”. If this resonates, I would encourage you to lean in and explore those nagging feelings that can often result from a mismatch of goals, dreams and desires for the relationship. You may be a homebody, and your partner is a party animal, or you may not want kids while your partner does. You may have incompatible differences when it comes to work life balance, how you handle finances or any number of other things you know deep down you need to be in agreement on, otherwise accept that there will be some undercurrent of anxiety when these topics come up. We don’t have to be “perfect” matches, but a general consensus on what makes a good life is important for long-term relationship satisfaction.
7. The ULTIMATE question: If I were my own best friend, what would I say”?
Any nagging worry or doubt can at the very least get shaken up by these magic words. You are your own best teacher, and you know yourself better than anyone. If you can truly be honest with yourself and ask this question, practice curiosity with what you come up with as answers. Oftentimes we don’t show ourselves the love, consideration and respect that we show our best friends. We fail to look out for our own best interest and may unconsciously put up blinders or hang on to false hopes that under a bright and compassionate light, might reveal themselves to you.
The moral of the story (or blog post) is: These feelings of relationship anxiety aren’t bad, we all have them, and may well be extremely necessary! Emotions including fear can help us to develop a deeper awareness of ourselves, and shed old patterns and fears that are no longer protective or helpful. Relationships are a key part if not the most important part of a well lived life. When things are important to us, it’s only natural that they bring up anxiety. Going into the fear and addressing it is required for a truly conscious partnership, and a connected relationship with yourself.
