Learning to Embrace Sensitivity
Ever get the response, “you’re too sensitive” as a child? Even as an adult? I know I have.
This is a common experience, but why?
Why is being highly sensitive so often hard?
You might be able to tell that our world isn’t quite set up to embrace sensitivity and big emotions. There’s an argument to be made that seeing and feeling deeply are viewed as obstacles in the “go, go go” productivity focused, and self-denying culture we live in. Additionally, our ancestors may have adapted to their harsh living conditions or trauma by shutting down emotionally. I recently watched a new movie, All Quiet on the Western Front on Netflix that drove this home for me. I was stunned at what young people in WWI had to bear emotionally. These adaptations are functional and human, but inadvertently leave us with intergenerational patterns of stifled and unexpressed emotion.
There lies the major difficulty for highly sensitive people. HSP’s often feel like aliens in a world that doesn’t quite seem to understand them. Through early life experiences, HSP’s almost always learn that their highly sensitive traits are looked down upon, and will internalize messages of “not good enough,” “too much,” and feel tremendous shame. Try as they might, HSP’s cannot just get over it or will themselves to be different.
I have never heard of an instance where someone responded to “you’re too sensitive” with, “oh okay, you’re right” and gladly moved along, free from sensitivity forevermore.
More likely, when you heard this you felt sadness, like something was wrong with you, and whatever you were feeling originally got amplified tenfold. It’s clearly no wonder that most people who are highly sensitive struggle to accept that it’s okay to be this way. Many struggle with deep feelings of shame, feeling “too much” or “too emotional”. You might recognise the thought, “If only I wasn’t so sensitive” is a common visitor.
What I’ve found is often missing from the conversation is some dig-in-deep knowledge about what it means to be highly sensitive. I’m talking research backed information, not just assumptions, anecdotes or “shoulds” that got picked up along the way.
What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person (HSP)?
Many people think of sensitivity as a personal failing, a choice, or due to weakness of some sort. This couldn’t be further from the truth. High sensitivity is actually a distinct, genetic trait that is present in about 15 to 20% of the population. HS is a trait identified in over 100 other species, and it reflects a specific type of survival strategy that emphasizes observing before acting. High sensitivity affects both men and women equally. You may even be surprised to find out that 30% of HSP’s are extroverts.
Elaine Aron is the psychologist and researcher who coined the term Highly Sensitive Person or HSP. She began researching high sensitivity, or “sensory-processing-sensitivity” as it is scientifically known in 1991.
Elaine defines high sensitivity with a handy acronym, DOES:
D - Depth of processing: This is the fundamental trait of HSPs - observing and reflecting before acting. HSP’s take in a lot of information, whether conscious of it or not, and take more time and consideration into processing. HSPs can often relate to thinking deeply and needing time to mull things over. This depth of processing can give HSPs a propensity to seek meaning through music, art, study etc.
O - Overstimulated: HSP’s become easily overstimulated, because they are taking so much information in. HSP’s can find themselves overwhelmed by emotions, sensory inputs, and thoughts.
E - Emphasis on emotions and empathy: HSP’s react more to both positive and negative events. HSP’s are more likely than their non-HSP counterparts to focus on emotions including how they feel and how they imagine others are feeling. This is a big part of how HSP’s notice and learn. The brain areas associated with empathy in HSP’s show greater activation when shown images of people expressing sadness, happiness or neutral emotions!
S - Sensitive to subtleties: HSP’s are taking in information like texture, smells, slight facial expressions, and tone more than non-HSP’s.
From the HSPerson Website:
HSPs are a subset of the population who are high in a personality trait known as sensory-processing sensitivity, or SPS. Those with high levels of SPS display increased emotional sensitivity, stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—pain, hunger, light, and noise—and a complex inner life.
Common Aspects of High Sensitivity
Heighten awareness of physical sensations, emotions and thoughts.
Often emotionally moved by beauty
Passionate feelings about injustice
Sensitivity to environments: light, smell, noise
Tendency towards overwhelm
Startles easily
Great capacity for compassion and having others feel understood and cared for
Seeing details and nuance that others may miss.
Processing ideas deeply and creative problem solving
Seek meaning and purpose
Needing a lot of down time
Capacity for creativity
Information is Power!
Finding this information is a much needed first step to embracing your highly sensitive self. The mere act of discussing and reading about high sensitivity can begin to reduce feelings of shame and kickstart growth. When you can accept and adapt to meet your needs as a highly sensitive person, then you can really flourish.
Learning to Embrace your Highly Sensitive Self
When I started learning more about being highly sensitive, I found particular aspects of being highly sensitive to be beautiful and meaningful, and others I felt could be annoying at times or prevent me from showing up the way I wished I could. I recently had the thought, “if I wasn’t so sensitive”, when I was on the verge of tears on thanksgiving. I just can’t keep it cool when everyone goes around the table to say what they're thankful for!
I share this example to illustrate that embracing sensitivity doesn’t have to mean loving every aspect of it, never struggling, or overcoming the difficult parts. In my experience, embracing sensitivity has meant accepting it as part of my life, and focusing on the aspects I like about it. Doing this has allowed me to be more okay with the harder moments. I think of high sensitivity as a package deal. Do I sometimes wish that I could chat endlessly at a busy party? Sure! But I’ll accept that limitation because, well, first, not accepting it would not help, and second, there are things I cherish about this trait that make me feel alive, happy, and authentically myself.
Embracing high sensitivity may be a lifelong process, something that ebbs and flows, or a practice that you return to again and again. That is completely okay. I share these “tasks” as a loose framework for practicing, not as a mandatory checklist or one-and-done solution. With that being said…
Here are 3 important tasks you can start working towards to embrace high sensitivity:
Focus on what you like about being a highly sensitive person
What do you like about how you see the world? Start laying to rest the internalized judgments from others or society that may cloud your perception. Do you actually love that intense sensation of awe and gratitude looking at a scenic view? Do you feel a sense of meaning in being there for others in your own unique way? Something else?
2. Building mindfulness as a highly sensitive person:
High sensitivity can feel like a curse if we continually push ourselves past our limits. We might feel our world rocked by emotions when we do not know the source, swirl into judgements or have strong emotional reactions. Cultivating everyday mindfulness can help you embrace sensitivity because you’ll be more in tune with your inner world, thus allowing you to respond in kind and compassionate ways, shed light on unhelpful narratives, and leave unhelpful old habits behind.
3. Compassionate action as a highly sensitive person:
Now that you have the knowledge AND mindful awareness, you’ve come a long way! Now, explore ways you can take compassionate action as an HSP. This looks like making small adjustments (or overhauls!) to your life that reflects your HSP needs, values and preferences. For example, carving out more time for downtime, creativity or rest could all be compassionate acts that lead you to greater wellbeing. You might use your awareness of emotional sensitivity to recognize areas of your life that leave you feeling drained. Then act to curb over functioning and taking on too much. Change is difficult AND you’ll be thanking yourself for aligning your actions with your needs.
One last thing…
High-Sensitivity Informed Therapy
Highly sensitive people often get a lot out of therapy. Working with a therapist who identifies as an HSP and is informed about the trait can be a game-changer. HSP’s often cary pain from living in a world that doesn’t always quite understand. Through therapy, HSP’s often develop ways to be with emotions, express them more clearly, and find tools to help them live happier and more meaningful lives. Working with an HSP informed therapist is a great way to work towards embracing high sensitivity. Aligned Life Therapy focuses on acceptance, knowledge, mindfulness, supporting courage and compassionate action. By developing these skills over time, you can soak in the beauty of sensitivity without getting bogged down by self-criticism and resistance. If you’ve ever found therapy to be too surface level, too focused on coping skills or changing your feelings, I encourage you to keep searching for a great fit. If you’d like to get in touch, reach out to me here.
Wishing you well!
Julia
