3 Foundations to Improve Your Relationship with Yourself
Our relationship with ourself is the longest and most intimate relationship each of us will ever experience. Which makes it curious that we don’t treat them with the same reverence as marriage, parenthood and even friendship? In a way, we have a marriage-like-contract within ourselves whether we acknowledge it or not. This can be a hard pill to swallow, I know it was for me! It lead to questions: How do you treat yourself? Do you treat yourself in the same way you would treat a good friend?
Years ago when I started asking myself these questions, I was shocked and saddened by what I found. I always thought of myself as a kind person, and my interactions with others reflected that. But my relationship with myself told a completely different story. When people ask me why I’m so passionate about self-compassion and therapy, I let them know how personally life-changing it has been for me to develop a kinder relationship with myself. While the practice never ends and I still have room to grow, my relationship with myself isn’t defined by self-criticism anymore. Being hard on yourself often leads to feelings of anxiety and depression. You feel like you have nothing valuable to offer and it goes on to shape your experience of life. So much suffering in life can be born out of what one of my favorite teachers, Tara Brach, calls the trance of unworthiness. This trance influences how you see yourself and how you see the world. Are you unwittingly seeing the world through a lens of doubt, mistrust, mistreatment or other painful emotion?
It can be hard to wake up to the fact that we’ve treated ourselves poorly. A common pitfall is taking this information as another reason to pile on self-criticism. Thoughts such as, “it’s my fault that I’ve been hard on myself” may come up. But if you really stop to think, ask yourself: “Would I have really wished this on myself?” In all likelihood, the answer is a resounding no! We don’t consciously choose to have difficult relationships with ourselves. Often, our damaged relationship is the result of early childhood experiences, trauma, culture and what was modeled for us. It’s almost universally unavoidable to experience rejection in some form. In an effort to stay safe, we adapt to our circumstances and we end up internalizing shame and a sense of not enough-ness. We can ignore our needs, people please, and berate ourselves in survival mode for years before we realize this isn’t serving us.
If this message resonates with you, know you are not alone and there is a path towards changing the nature of our relationship with ourselves. I know this first hand!
After you read this next sentence, close your eyes and imagine for a few minutes: What would open up to you if you fostered a kinder relationship with yourself?
Now, the answer you come up with will be slightly different person to person. As I said before, a major reason I see for doing this work is that your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have. Think of it like any healthy relationship. Having strong relationships are foundational to wellbeing. In a strong relationship, we feel greater joy, safety, freedom to explore, and we have somewhere to turn when things go poorly. In healthy relationships, we have feelings of good-will and compassion, we may even notice a sense of relaxation, acceptance and peace. In a secure relationship, you feel supported to face life’s up’s and down’s. We need kind relationships with others and ourselves, both are important and one doesn’t replace the other.
So how do we go about strengthening the relationship we have with ourself?
There are many in-roads and I can’t possibly list them all here. In my experience as a psychotherapist, I do see 3 foundational concepts that once grasped, lead to healthier relationships within oneself:
Awareness
You are the only person with direct access to your inner world. There is no one who is a greater expert on you than you. This is great news, because you have the ability to understand yourself more fully and turn off the auto-pilot of unhelpful conditioning and habitual ways of thinking. Awareness is the foundation of developing a kinder relationship with ourselves. The way we can do this is through awareness of our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Through developing deeper awareness of what is going on internally, then we are able to invite deeper acceptance and compassion. When you see your pain clearly, and are honest with yourself about what’s really happening, we can check self-criticism and let it know it’s not helping.
An example of awareness is realizing that you are hard on yourself. Going deeper, you are aware that being hard on yourself makes you feel worse, not better, even if the thought that it will somehow motivate you is also present. In that full awareness, you are then able to respond to self-criticism instead of being swept away by it. You can practice letting yourself know that harsh self-talk is an adaptation, and it makes sense that it shows up. Simultaneously, you can hold that you don’t deserve to be demeaned and can pivot to a kinder-self evaluation. You might say, “my critical thoughts are not who I am or proof that I am bad, they are simply thoughts that hold no more meaning than I choose to give them.” It can also help to include a sense of common humanity in our awareness. Cultivating a sense that all people struggle with being distracted, being on auto-pilot, and being hard on themselves at times. This awareness can help normalize your experience and remind you that you’re not alone.
Trust
When we have self-doubt, worry and fear this is often coming from a sense of not feeling like we can trust ourselves. It makes sense that we develop a sense of mistrust within ourselves. There is a wise part of each of us that says, “why aren’t you really listening to me?” when we discount our own needs. You can build back trust with yourself by using your awareness to truly listen to your needs, wants and boundaries. A simple way of saying it is working towards respecting yourself as you are. Honoring your needs communicates that you see and care about yourself. One way of building trust is setting small promises for yourself and keeping them. Another is to set realistic expectations for yourself so you can feel a sense of success.
Listening to your body’s signals and practicing basic self care can build up a sense of security within yourself that you will be there for you when times get tough. Prioritizing you wellbeing with plenty of sleep, nutrition, rest, play and connection. Just as you would wish for a good friend to take care of themselves, set healthy limits and listen to their heart, you can also wish and act on these things for yourself. Doing this will not only enhance your wellbeing but will also help develop a sense that you can count on you.
Alignment
I couldn’t not include this one, right? When we think about having a better relationship with ourselves, we also want to feel a sense that we are prioritizing what’s important to us. Often, that pesky conditioning can leave us feeling like we shouldn’t pursue what makes us happy, or that we are wrong or bad to have the interests or desires we have. The should’s, pressure’s and norm’s of life get in the way of living in alignment with what really feels good and meaningful to us. Sometimes, we can feel out of alignment when there is an imbalance of focus between the short term and the long term. Working on developing alignment can mean looking out for what you need in the moment and also looking to the long term regarding what steps and actions you want to take now that will add up to what you want for your long-term happiness and wellbeing. A fantastic way to think about long-term wellbeing is thinking about what is ultimately meaningful to you, even if it might challenge you.
Doing what’s meaningful is connected to our values. Alignment is the meeting of what we value and our actions. Maybe you love animals but you have always prioritized working and never have had the time for a pet or to volunteer. How great would it feel to acknowledge and then act on this piece of awareness? Taking charge of what feels good and doing it is so empowering! Internally, seeking alignment between your values of how you believe people should be treated by treating yourself in the same way also goes a long way to improve your relationship with yourself. If you value seeing everyone as human, aligning yourself with this the next time you make a mistake would go so far in having compassion and forgiveness for yourself.
My hope is that you can find some inspiration within these three concepts. My wish if for you to feel encouraged that by really listening and responding to your heart, you can build a relationship with yourself that feels grounding, supportive, and allows you to enjoy life fully.
Warmly,
Julia
