How to Know if it’s Anxiety or a “Real Problem”

What if there is something really wrong and I need to pay attention? 

What if it's not just anxiety?

Think of these questions as anxiety’s trump card. These are common, normal questions that come up all the time for anxiety sufferers (which includes most people). We all want anxiety to do its intended job: keep us safe and alert us to true problems and then ideally: quit it shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, we are working with some outdated “programming”. At the risk of sounding too robotic with my metaphors, the human brain is simply not as finely tuned as we would wish it to be. It automatically places safety as priority number one, and any risk or perceived risk is bound to set off anxiety to alert you to a potential problem. 

As icing on the cake, anxiety just loves to attach itself to the things we care about most. It jumps at the chance to cast doubt on our performance at work, our friendships and relationships, our health and how others perceive us, just to name a few. When someone struggles with anxiety, they recognize that their inborn fear system goes into overdrive and becomes more of a hinderance than a help. I often like to say, anxiety has GOOD intentions, much like self-criticism and other challenging emotional experiences we face. 

What we need in these instances is discernment. The skill of recognizing when a worry is “just” anxiety and when it’s our intuition telling us something important that needs to be acted on. 

Being able to tell the difference is a skill that can be developed. One of my favorite anxiety experts and teachers is Sheryl Paul who writes about this skill as “Self-Trust”.

She writes about self trust as “the quiet, clear, grounded place inside of you that is connected to wisdom”. 

She goes on to say, “It’s beyond right and wrong. It transcends “shoulds”. It cuts through what you’ve been told you’re supposed to do, your parents’ or peers’ opinions, and what the culture espouses.”

Often times, due to circumstances beyond our control, our self-trust is diminished. When our feelings and needs are discounted, dismissed or ignored growing up the natural response is to develop self-doubt.

The pain of not getting what we need from our parents and community can be so strong that the mind adapts and casts doubt on whether we really know what we feel and need in order to make it more tolerable. An example is a parent saying, “you’re not really sad” and declining a hug when you really needed it. They may have been busy and it may not have been purposeful, but over time these experiences can lead children to develop self-doubt.

So, as an adult, you might be struggling with sorting out what’s a “real” need, fear or anxiety. This makes complete sense and it’s not your fault. Anxiety is one of those things that drives home how tricky our human minds are. No one choose to have a threat-seeking, threat-avoidance “program” that overrides all else in times of stress. We are working with a lot of evolutionary baggage from the times where it was beneficial to be hyper-aware and run when you came across a ferocious beast in the forest. 

In modern life, we are inundated with messages about how we should be, feel, look and act. Depending on our family history and culture there may be a legacy of downplaying needs and feelings that you also have to contend with when determining, “is this real or is this anxiety”?

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula that will exactly tell you the answer.

The truth is, it may be a combination of both: it could just be that you're dehydrated, sleep deprived, working through trauma, going through a stressful job transition etc. So it could be a million things! And that’s okay, normal, and to be expected. It’s not a hopeless situation. What this calls for involves deep reflection and time to develop self-knowledge. 

Self-knowledge aka self-awareness is THE essential ingredient to working through anxiety. When you know yourself well, and I mean really, really, well, you will be able to recognize the themes, patterns and triggers that tend to spike your unique experience of anxiety. 

For example if you struggle with job anxiety, you might come to some awareness about why this is a difficult for you. Perhaps you know that you experienced a lot of pressure to perform academically as a child. Or maybe you’re aware of how past job experiences shape how you look at your current job, even though the present circumstances are very different. 

When you’ve harnessed this awareness, you can then reflect on what’s causing you anxiety and do the reflecting work to see if this is something truly concerning, or maybe just a hold-over or adaptation to difficult circumstances in the past that’s now showing up in an unhelpful way in the present. 

This is a simplification for sure, but through getting to know yourself and therefore growing self trust, you also gain the skill of discernment. 

See, your past self has good reason to worry, and we have to give it the credit, respect and care it deserves. Through self-awareness and mindful attention to the present moment, you might say, “aha, I see my mind is handing me a worst-case-scenario - that makes sense to keep me safe, but it’s not true to this situation”. 

“True intuition is grounded and clear. It's knowing that I can trust.”  - Sheryl Paul 

When something is truly a problem, you might begin to notice that you are moved to action easily and without overthinking. This can be difficult at first, especially if there are many adaptations and blocks that make it hard to act in your own best interest. You might recognize a core need or pattern showing up in the present worry, that will also be a clue to determining between a real problem and anxiety.

Developing self-knowledge and self-trust is a process that than enrich your life and add meaning to your experiences. Having the support of a trusted therapist who can shine a light on elements that you may not be considering is a great place to start.

Wishing you well on your journey to self-trust.

-Julia