Anxiety, Guilt and Setting Boundaries
“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace you start a war inside yourself.” –Cheryl Richardson
Why do we sometimes feel anxiety and guilt when setting boundaries?
To answer this question, we should look to the function of anxiety and guilt. While both are uncomfortable and even painful, the driving functions behind these experiences are good ones.
Anxiety manifests cognitively, physically and emotionally to assist us humans in avoiding suffering and danger. Therapists often say, “you wouldn’t want to live life without any anxiety as all,” because you would loose out on this protective feature which at low levels genuinely makes life safer and more livable. Thanks to anxiety, you look before crossing the street and prepare in advance for work meetings. We feel anxious when we perceive a risk, physically, emotionally or socially.
Similarly, guilt at reasonable levels has a protective, pro-social function. As a highly interconnected and social species, guilt can help with community cohesion. The experience of guilt can bring the mistake we made to our awareness and give us the opportunity to repair. Avoiding guilt is a motivating factor in maintaining social connections and doing right by your community. This is a good experience to have at times. Guilt can give us a roadmap on how we need to act next.* However, guilt can sometimes be wrapped up in unhelpful social “rules” that are no longer helpful.
These two truths about the function of anxiety and guilt can lead to discomfort when setting boundaries. Boundaries are an umbrella term for the relational tools we use to set limits on the expectations and responsibilities we have towards ourselves and others. Boundaries are a buzz topic in mental health at the moment because we are so strongly influenced by the health of our relationships. When we overextend or betray our own human limitations, relationship issues, anxiety, self-criticism and depression often result. Setting boundaries can be difficult thanks to anxiety and guilt. Even the idea of setting boundaries to protect your wellbeing can set off feelings of anxiety and guilt. This is normal. Your anxiety and guilt are not necessarily wrong: Healthy boundaries DO have the potential to hurt at first. *this isn’t your fault!*
Try to look at this from the perspective of the part of you that feels anxious. That anxious part of you may be shouting, “Do not set that boundary, because ___insert worst case scenario here___ will definitely happen! You’ll be mocked, disregarded, fired or worse!” Here, anxiety is pulling out all the stops to *try* to keep you safe. From the perspective of the anxious mind, keeping the status quo going is a safer option. After all, you’ve survived to this point, right?
Similarly with guilt, the idea of setting a boundary can trigger a cascade of fears and “what if’s” when it comes to the cohesion of the relationship. The socially conscious part of you, who wants to avoid feelings of guilt and be amenable to others might yell, “You will sound so selfish if you set this boundary! You are good at taking care of others. Setting this boundary will hurt your reputation! Even though you’re worn out, keep going!”.
Reading this, I hope you find some comfort in knowing that it is normal and okay to experience anxiety and guilt when deciding on and setting boundaries. It’s not incorrect to worry that someone might take a boundary poorly. The big question is, how can we use this knowledge to our advantage going forward? We know that setting boundaries is a critical part of sustainable wellbeing. We also know why we sometimes struggle to set boundaries despite knowing that they would help.
My prescription is to learn how to respond to anxiety and guilt around boundaries instead of reacting. Reacting in a knee-jerk fashion to anxiety and guilt would mean that you let the discomfort of anxiety and guilt stop you from setting boundaries in the first place. This is understandable in terms of avoiding discomfort in the short term, but even more painful in the long term when we struggle in silence and resentment for years, feeling stuck in expectations that are not fair. We want to cultivate a wise and compassionate part of ourselves that can acknowledge the anxiety and guilt, without letting it in the driver’s seat.
Many people, especially women, struggle when they find themselves in a dynamic where they realize they are not keeping healthy boundaries. They might realize that their established pattern of staying late at work or helping an aging parent several nights a week is taking a tole. It can be anxiety inducing to think about defying a long established expectation of behavior. I know I have felt the weight of established expectations on my shoulders and struggled with my desire to keep up and meet the expectation, even when it was hurting my mental health. Women especially are taught to be self-sacrificing and can feel “bad” when they are taking care of themselves. Again, this is where we would call upon our wise selves who knows that just because things are a certain way, doesn’t mean they must stay that way. You are allowed to change, grow and adapt as others do.
It will take practice to get more comfortable setting boundaries. It also may never feel great, but ultimately you will thank yourself for being honest with yourself and brave in the face of anxiety and guilt and establishing healthy boundaries anyway.
Here is how I would work through anxiety and guilt around boundaries with a typical client. We would talk through each of the following points, take deep breaths and practice awareness of how these points land for them:
Recognize anxious and guilty thoughts and sensations for what they are and what they are not:
They are trying to protect you and keep you safe.
They search for the worst possible outcome to defend their case.
They are not facts or proof of wrongdoing.
They do not represent what is actually going to happen once you set the boundary
They won’t necessarily keep you safe long term.
Recognize that you a choosing between momentary discomfort vs. prolonged resentment.
Recognize the sociocultural forces influencing the anxiety and guilt:
How is gender socialization contributing to how I feel?
Race, Class, Nationality, Size, Ability?
Is this guilt or anxiety earned or unearned?
Recognize that you do not have to be defined or held to historical or identity based expectations. YOU get to decide what feels right to you!
Talk to the part of you that things you’re “wrong” or “bad” for setting limits and tell them you are acting from a place of compassion when you set healthy limits. By setting boundaries you make the world better by modeling this for others.
By setting healthy boundaries you contribute to a needed cultural shift where we acknowledge our human limits and stop hurting ourselves under the disguise of helping others.
Setting boundaries set the stage for you to feel accepted heard and loved. Recognize- If you are not speaking your truth, are you truly accepted?
With this awareness, I have learned and watched others learn to tolerate their anxious and guilty feelings and still make aligned boundary choices, even when it’s scary or uncomfortable. It can be scary but it’s SO worth it!
TLDR:
Recognize, validate, challenge, regulate and set the boundary!
Tell your anxiety/guilt that you see it, feel it and understand why it’s there. Let your anxiety/guilt know that you are making a good decision, even though it may feel unfamiliar and risky.
I’ll leave you with this gem from Hailey Magee a codependency coach on Instagram @haileypaigemagee
“The people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.”
Best wishes on your boundary setting journey!
Julia
*From an evolutionary perspective, we depend on others and require some degree of social approval to experience wellbeing and guilt can play a role to securing this. I do not mean shame or unearned guilt when I refer to low levels of guilt in this way*
