The Problem with Self-Esteem

“I have low self-esteem”.

If you’ve ever felt or said these words out loud, you might be familiar with the following question:

There must be something wrong with me, right?

You’re in good company! 

And so my question to you is: 

What if the problem lies with the construct of self-esteem, instead of you???

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is used to describe a person's overall subjective sense of personal worth or value—in other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself.

Self-esteem is basically what you are left with after you EVALUATE (esteem) yourself. 

Psychologists have long touted the mental health benefits of having good self-esteem. And they aren’t completely wrong. There is a correlation between having low self-esteem and experiencing a wide range of mental health challenges. Feeling not good enough, different or bad about yourself will definitely contribute to feelings of anxiety and or depression. It makes intuitive sense, then, shouldn’t we strive to have the highest self-esteem possible? This notion took the world (especially in the west) by storm and people everywhere became focused on how to feel good about themselves and maintain that feeling over time. 

The problem then arises with how we try to develop or affirm this highly important (italics for irony) self-esteem. What the researches have now come to realize, is that the pursuit of self-esteem doesn’t always work and also can come with steep consequences.

Primarily, when we think about trying to have good self-esteem, we realize an underlying assumption within the concept of self-esteem itself. 

That we must be better or above average when compared to others in order to have it.

The common measures of self-evaluation and how we are doing comparatively to others looks a little something like this.

Sources of Self-Esteem:

Appearance - How do you look? 

Popularity - How many people accept you?

Comparison - How much better are you doing than the people around you?

Achievement - How much success have you achieved?

The problem here is, there will always be someone prettier, more popular, more “successful” or just “better” in some way than you. Unless you are perfect, which I’m afraid to say is just. not. possible.

This sets up a lose-lose, because statistically, we can’t all be above average. Additionally, these assessments are in others control, or at least not in our full control. 

Many factors outside our control influence our self-evaluation in these categories. 

For example, would it be fair for one person with the same qualifications as 10 other job seekers to hang their self worth on whether or not they got the job? Or would it be fair for a person to feel and less worthy based on how closely their appearances matches conventional beauty standards? 

Absolutely freaking not!

So essentially, we could be doing our absolute best, but still suffer from low self-esteem. And surely, the person you think of who you think “has it made” sees others in their life as better than them in some way. With self-esteem, you just can’t win.

And THEN, to add insult to injury, we have the common pitfalls of striving for “good” self-esteem.

“The Pits” of Self-Esteem

Perfectionism - In order to compensate for our perceived feelings of inadequacy, we push ourselves to the limit and adhere to ridgid rules and impossibly high standards in order to control our sense of worthiness. 

Body image/fat phobia - Viewing someone’s subjective attractiveness or body size as a measure of their worth. This is so unfair because we cannot control how we look, and we will always evolve as we age and other changes outside our control! 

Competitive mindset - Always looking over your shoulder in order to see where we fall in terms of our status. The constant need to feel better about ourselves leads us to putting others down (mentally if not in reality). 

Disconnection and selfish behavior - In order to preserve our self-esteem, we prioritize optimization in all areas, getting ahead, and when everyone is someone you can compare yourself to, we don’t really want to connect or form compassionate, deep relationships. 

*and this is by NO means an exhaustive list

The pursuit of self-esteem by these metrics can lead to shame, isolation and pain.

Like I mentioned previously, in order to have good self-esteem, we have to think of ourselves as special and above average. Using these metrics may be comforting in the short term, but in truth, we cannot be perfect, and in the process we become highly aware of our flaws and the flaws of others, and we get lost in social comparison, keeping up appearances, instead of living authentically. It’s also an unstable mind-state, because it is hanging on our latest success or failure.

ALERT: Non-Shaming Non-Blaming Caveat

 If you find yourself identifying with the pursuit of self-esteem you are so not alone. In my own personal journey and in my work with clients I see the trappings of self-esteem all around me. Our culture has set up the conditions for us to buy into this mindset. Capitalism, competition, patriarchy and embedded within our lives and we can’t help but be marinated in these ways of thinking.

And I’m not trying to say that having good self-esteem is bad. Of course it’s good, but it really does matter what the sources of that esteem are coming from.

A useful form of self-evaluation and a helpful source of self esteem is wrapped up in our values. Self-evaluation is benificial when we use it to assess whether our actions are matching what’s important to us.

For example, you may feel down on yourself because you haven’t been supporting your friends in awhile. This type of introspection could lead you to reconnect with your value of connecting with others. This mismatch between your behavior and your values is likely causing the blues.

In this instance you have the power to do something to make yourself feel better- simply by picking up the phone. This type of self evaluation helps us make meaningful adjustments to our lives. Conversely, when our behaviors match our values, we feel a sense of good self- esteem, peace and fulfillment. 

Since you’ve made it to the end of the article, I hope you found some community and greater understanding when it comes to the challenges of achieving and maintaining self-esteem. My hope is that you come away feeling a little less alone, and a little more knowledgeable about why the pursuit of self-esteem is flawed and how it can backfire.

And if you’d like company on your journey of building a kinder and compassionate relationship with yourself, please reach out. I’m an online therapist in Philadelphia who specializes in self-worth and self-esteem. I know how hard this is and I know relief is possible.

If you’re interested in learning more about my approach you can click here.

If you’re interested in learning about my favorite alternative to self-esteem, self-compassion, stay tuned in the coming weeks. I plan on following up with a blog about self-compassion and why it’s my preferred approach to treat low self-esteem. 

Warmly,

Julia