Authentic Wellness In The Age Of Self Care
If you’ve spent time on social media over the last several years like I have, you’ve seen the rise of #self-care. At first glance, it’s a cultural phenomenon that seems positive and helpful. It’s a way to encourage and promote taking care of ourselves. It’s empowering, right?
Of course, taking care of ourselves is a good thing.
But there is something that #selfcare gets wrong. Over these past few years and in my work as a therapist, I’ve become more skeptical of aspects self-care culture, and thought a lot about it’s implications. I know I’m not alone in watching self-care become a catch-all umbrella term for almost any activity you can think of. I feel that this diluted version of self-care can be harmful on cultural and personal levels. I do think there is a place for genuine self-care, and to get there I believe we need to break down what it is, and what it isn’t.
Where self care culture gets it wrong:
The list of what can be classified as self-care is ever-growing.
The classics: bubble-baths and essential oils, face masks and fluffy slippers.
The practical: journaling, mediation, exercise, reading
The relational: girls night, alone time, calling a friend.
These lists could be much, much longer. It can feel overwhelming. I’ve also noticed a pressure to engage in self care. If you aren’t doing it you’re somehow less than.
More worrying, in the last few years, I’ve seen the rationalization of any behavior as self-care. The idea that it’s “self-care” to flake on your friends? This trend scares me for what it might mean for our culture and our wellness.
And while I feel upset at how as a nation we’ve warped self care, I also feel compassion for people trying to find some semblance of control and care for themselves in a world that feels so chaotic and depressing. I get why this is popular and the list keeps growing.
It’s frustrating as a therapist: I truly wish that participating in “self-care” as described could fulfill the promise that it willI take away the suffering we are experiencing. But the truth is it can’t. There is no activity or quick fix that will magically address underlying mental health problems or cure suffering. This is not to say that therapists don’t routinely recommend self-care. It is an essential part of wellness (more on this in a minute). But self-care is not the end-all-be-all of wellness.
Buying into this warped, expanded definition of self-care has problematic consequences.
Self-care culture half-baked solution that bolsters a system that is not working. We don’t have access to the community and healthcare that we really need. As a result, it makes sense that a hyper-individualized substitute: “self care” would pop up. It’s appealing because it’s something we can control. It feels good in a world that is on fire right now. Even still, self-care culture is a poor substitute for what we really need AND It assumes and then promotes false ideas that:
we can help ourselves and meet all of our needs independently.
we can buy our way to wellness. (AKA: If you only have the jade-roller or latest self-help book all your problems will be solved)
we can use the “power of positivity” to think or buy ourselves well.
This is toxic positivity and corporate exploitation at it’s finest.
Buying into this form of self care leads us into the mindset that if you can think positively and do self-care our problems will go away. It suggests that if we follow our “instinct” to do what make us happy in the moment we will eventually find ourselves living a well-lived life.
Worse still: Companies and advertising agencies have capitalized on our failing mental health and pump out endless products that monetize our distress!
Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
Therapists know that a well-lived life is not defined by the absense of discomfort or pain. We know that many problems won’t go away, no matter how many self-care things you do. Our society is structured to maintain these problems and it is ridiculous to think that we can self care ourselves out of systemic oppression. Essentially, self-care culture is a pretty band-aid on a broken arm of our support services system with dangerous consequences for our collective perspective on wellness.
On the personal level, there are consequences for buying into the self-care cultural machine.
When you practice “self-care” ask yourself:
are you implying that everything you do has to be productive or justified? (Hello capitalism)
Are you assuming that the easy or joyful thing in the moment equates to caring for yourself in the long term?
Are you using “self-care” to justify avoiding things that are in your best interest?
Does you self-care negatively impact people you love?
In retrospect, I could have answered yes to every question above at different times. I can still say yes to them on occasion. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have our easy or indulgent days and show ourselves we are a priority. What I am saying is that awareness of our thoughts, behaviors and feelings and their influences is worth looking at.
For example, if we routinely claim self-care when engaging in avoidant behaviors, we might be fooling ourselves that we are doing what’s best for us, when really we are maintaining our anxieties by not dealing with what we need to. Choosing the easier or more comforting thing in the moment can actually lead to increased levels of poor mental health. Therapists call this “experiential avoidance”. It can leave you feeling more stuck and more overwhelmed when you don’t tackle that bill, clean your kitchen or show up for a friend.
When we use self care as a justification for pain avoidance or pleasure seeking, we may also be cheating ourselves from meaningful experiences. Some of the most meaningful and fulfilling times in my life were hard or uncomfortable in the moment. These painful experiences taught me about myself and helped me to grow. I wouldn’t trade these experiences for a life without difficult experience or emotions. They make me who I am and give live vibrancy, texture and color.
While I still do love taking baths with my laptop perched precariously on the tub while watching HGTV, I don’t get much fulfillment from doing this.
Surely, I soothed myself and gave myself permission to unwind. And this is what I’m arguing: Let a bath be a bath, instead of falling prey to cultural marketing that a bath (or any self-care activity) will cure your anxiety or otherwise dramatically improve your life. You can’t actually treat anxiety or depression with sheet masks and bubble baths. There is a big difference between taking care of your mental health and some of the practices being labeled as self care.
One therapist’s take on the purpose of self-care:
Okay, phew. You made it this far. (Thank you!) Now you’ve heard me gripe about the systemic and personal reasons why self-care culture misleads us, can be harmful and lead us to neglect our mental health. I feel passionate about this in part because I have felt the negative effects personally, and because I think therapists need to do a better job at explaining what self care can be and how it can help you find fulfillment , ease and a better life.
So what is self-care that is actually meaningful look like?
What is the deeper meaning behind self care that therapists are hoping you will tap into when we assign self-care as homework between sessions?
There is not a one size fits all answer to this question, but it is generally agreed that sleep, rest, nourishment, safety, movement, connection and reflection are all crucial parts of mental health. These are elements to keep in mind while crafting a self-care practice that enriches your life, but your practice does not have to look like anyone else’s.
In addition to falling into these general categories, in my eyes, the essential quality of any self care practice is self-compassion. Here are some questions to ask yourself if you’re exploring options for self care practices and want to choose ones that actually help:
Does it help to solidify the work you are doing in therapy? (If unsure, talk about it with your therapist!)
Does this activity help me take care of “future me” and meet my goals?
Do these actions prove to yourself that you are worthy of love and care?
How does this practice recharge your batteries so you are more able to show up for the things and people you care about?
How does this practice serve as a protest to rally against unjust institutions and systemic shortcomings?
Does this practice help you to foster a belief that everyone deserves compassion and takes unique routes towards meeting their needs?
How does the self-compassion you foster for yourself grow outward and extend greater compassion and awareness for others?
If you’ve taken the time to reflect on your self-care behaviors and can answer yes to any of the above questions, I think you’re right on track! (Your track, that is!). If you’re feeling lost, that’s totally okay too. Give yourself some kindness and allow yourself to take some time to reflect on what you need. Oftentimes, I encounter people that are disconnected from what they really need or what is truly important to them. It makes sense that when we are disconnected from ourselves, we may turn to what we see others doing and say to ourselves, “this _______ (yoga class, face cream, day-off) should help me!” Only to go through the motions, spend the money, still feel the same way, and then think that there must be something wrong within ourselves!
And this really couldn’t be farther from the truth. In my mind, it makes perfect sense because without the connection, these activities feel hollow. On the flip side, if you do engage in self-care that is considered mainstream and get a lot of fulfillment out of it, don’t stop just because it’s mainstream either. I love yoga myself and feel connected to the concept of joyful movement and caring for my body. I especially love mindfulness and compassion yoga, which always seems to leave me feeling refreshed and ready to take on my work with clients!
I hope reading this helps you get a sense that what matters is if the practice or activity is really meaningful to you. Let’s all collectively decide to throw away the shoulds and expectations of what self-care needs to look like in order to move into a self-care that nourishes us and our communities. Let’s kick to the curb a self-care culture that really just wants our money, equates class with wellness and blames us for not being able to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps. Let’s embrace a self-care that supports us to tackle the hard things that lead to feeling more confident, happy and fulfilled in the long-term! I know I just wrote that, but damn, that sounds good!
If you’re engaging in self-care practices that feel more like an obligation than a support, you’re not alone.
If you’re feeling fooled by self-care culture and it’s false promises, I’ve been there. Sometimes I still find myself persuaded by it’s siren song. I’ve come to realize that self-care is a never ended process of figuring out what really works for you. It can be really hard to sort out these things, especially if you’re feeling disconnected from yourself, anxious or burnt-out. It can really help to have support through the process of finding what works for you. This is really what therapy is all about. It would be my honor to help you on your journey, so if you are here because you are looking for a therapist in philadelphia or considering virtual therapy, I encourage you to reach out today. We can get curious together and get you on your path to true wellness and self-care.
